The Most Toxic People I’ve Ever Dated Were Ad Agencies
I love dating. The sex. The butterflies. The deeper connection, even if it only lasts for a couple weeks. Even the healing from heartbreak and doing it all again. It’s no surprise I thrived working on a brand like the dating app Bumble. But as I kicked off the year, I realized that for as much as I loved dating, I also was not dating as responsibly as I could be. That despite my best intentions, I wasn’t always fully transparent with partners. And as I chased the high of each new lover, I was leaving guys in my wake. So I committed to making some changes — to slowing down, reflecting more inward, and being more honest outward. I am not alone. According to Match’s 2021 Singles in America study, which surveyed 5,000 single people in the U.S., 53% of app daters are now “prioritizing their search for a relationship more than before the pandemic.” The same study also found that 58% of app daters have shifted toward “intentional dating,” and 69% of users are being more honest with their potential partners.
Yet while we collectively move towards more mindful dating in our personal lives, why is it in our professional lives, we’re still settling for companies that date just as irresponsibly as ever? By dating, I mean the job interview process. And nowhere have I seen more toxic dating behavior than in the advertising industry. I’ll preface by saying I’ve sat on both sides of the interview table, so I won’t pretend that candidates are completely innocent from toxic interview behavior. But for the purposes of this discussion, I direct my critique specifically towards the agency industrial complex. Because it’s agencies that usually hold more power. Which makes it more likely for the toxicity to thrive systematically.
In my 15 years of advertising, I’ve been ghosted more times by agencies than I ever have by romantic interests. I’ve been gaslit into thinking my experience is less than its worth in an attempt to negotiate better deals. I’ve been breadcrumbed without any real intention of hiring. I’ve even been catfished. Actions made all the more hypocritical given the industry’s attempt to undergo an employee well-being rebrand at a time when mental health issues are at an all time high. And until we start admitting our professional dating behavior is unhealthy, this toxicity will never change. Luckily, if we’re looking to date more responsibly in our professional lives, there’s no better place to look than romantic dating as our guide.
Some things I’ve learned from dating that advertising agencies could benefit from when going through the interview process.
1. Take the time to get to know yourself better. It will help you figure out what you really want in a relationship.
We tend to think dating is a journey of getting to know another person. But it’s equally a journey of getting to know yourself. Take Match’s recent campaign that encourages users to “Do You.” Underlying this campaign is the importance of getting to know yourself before jumping too quickly into your search to find a partner. Too often, though, we don’t pause and self-discover. We create a dating profile that’s generic or incomplete — or in an agency’s case, the job description — and hope we’ve set ourselves up for success. But if we don’t know what we want, we won’t attract what we want. I once spoke with an HR manager about a JD looking for a strategy director with at least 7–10 years experience. As a group strategy director with 15 years experience, I was more than qualified. Yet as the interview progressed, the agency decided I was too junior. What they really needed was an experienced head of strategy. I couldn’t help but feel misled. I understand that just like in dating, needs and intentions change. But this agency’s JD was drastically off from the reality of their needs. Had they taken more time to consider what they really needed, and clearly communicated that at the start, it would have set more realistic expectations and ensured we both found a better match.
2. It’s ok to not know exactly what you’re looking for when dating. But that doesn’t mean you still can’t be upfront about your intentions.
Contrast the above with the actions of another agency I interviewed with. From the very start, the MD was honest with the fact that she wasn’t sure her agency actually needed the role I was interviewing for. I appreciated the MD’s honesty. She didn’t know exactly what she was looking for, and she was interviewing to help suss that out. Which is completely ok. Part of the joy of dating is figuring out what you want, even if you’re unsure. But by admitting that in the upfront, this MD allowed me to better set my expectations. Even though they didn’t end up hiring for that role, I walked away with a more positive outlook towards the experience and the agency.
3. If you don’t take the time to get to know the other person, don’t be surprised when the date is cut short.
My LinkedIn profile is far more complete than my Grindr or Tinder profile. I have spent a considerable amount of time curating it so that when potential job prospects approach me, they come loaded with the necessary information they need to determine if there’s an initial match. Yet I still get approached about roles that are well below my experience. Or roles that blatantly aren’t a match. Why? Because agencies and recruiters are not taking the time to read my profile. Or pay attention. Or show they care. Listen, I know job searching isn’t easy. And with all the candidates out there, you can’t possibly know everyone’s details at the drop of a pin. But there’s a difference between people who take a beat to get to know me, and those who make me feel like I’m nothing more than a tick mark on their list. Guess which ones I choose to progress with to the next date?
4. Acknowledge your power-play tactics for what they really are: gaslighting.
High profile stories from Anna Kendrick to Amber and Johnny have exposed the insidious nature of gaslighting in relationships. But they can happen in the interview process, too. I once had an agency run me through the gauntlet of in-person and virtual interviews. After wrapping up my last in-person, I had HR look me in the eye and tell me, “We don’t have a specific role open at this time but we’ll keep you posted.” I was confused. I was told otherwise in the beginning of the process. Why speak to 18 of your employees for a role that doesn’t exist? I left the interview questioning my own abilities and my own sanity. The truth is, there was an open role, but internal changes at the agency were muddying the process. So they gaslit me to keep me at bay. When they could have just as easily said, “There’s still some things we need to manage on our side but we’ll keep in touch.” I’m not advocating we need to disclose every detail to candidates. But when you lie to them to give yourself the upper hand, it’s manipulative.
5. As more people recognize the signs of toxic interviewing, be prepared for them to hold more agencies accountable.
From Facebook Groups like “Are We Dating the Same Guy” to Shaq calling out Ron on Love Island, we’ve entered an era where toxic daters are being made to answer for their actions. Just ask West Elm Caleb. Be prepared for this trend towards accountability to find its way into professional dating as well. Interviewees have reached a tipping point. They’re tired of the incongruous power dynamic between agency and candidate, and they’re sharing their experiences transparently to check unfair interviewing behavior.
Because ultimately toxic interviewing reflects poorly on the interviewer. It reflects poorly on the agency. And it reflects poorly on the industry as a whole. Speaking as a person that is a part of that industry, if it isn’t corrected, it makes all of us look at best ambivalent towards the well being of candidates and potential employees. At worst, negligent. When that happens, no one’s going to want to date us anymore.
