Stop Cockblocking the Flow — Enough with the Fluidphobia, Boys
Note: There is gender fluidity (a gender identity) and there is sexual fluidity (a sexual orientation identity) and while they are interrelated, they also are not mutually inclusive. Both have merit. Both are valid. For the viewpoints put forth in this discussion, I primarily am focusing on sexual fluidity, but when necessary make a distinction between the two for clarity.
This article was previously published in Pornceptual Magazine, #5, FLUIDS
Good on you, sexual fluidity. Once you were a mere drip from a dick tip. But now you’re a full on stream between our legs. While there are still a lot of misconceptions and prejudices towards people who identify as sexually fluid — that they’re confused, that they don’t know what they want, that they’re faking it — we’ve reached a cultural vantage point. From Sex Education to Euphoria, Courtney Act to Lizzo, mainstream cultural platforms are proudly proclaiming pansexual proclivities. But I’m worried about shooting off our celebratory guns too… prematurely. That if we’re not careful, this revolution will reach an impasse. Because there’s bias imbedded in sexual fluidity that prevents it from spreading. And it comes precisely from the community that should be defending fluidity, but instead is taking it down from the inside.
I will preface by saying bias against sexual fluidity can have various forms. Multiple studies show fluidity skews queer, female and young, making it harder to openly express if you’re straight-identifying, male or older. I can’t address every bias in this article alone. Nor will I pretend to be able to speak for all communities in which fluidity bias rears its ugly head. But I will turn my judgey ass brown eye to my own community — gay men. An especially loud and antagonistic voice against fluidity acceptance.
And it’s all the more toxic when it comes from a community which fought so hard for for its own sexual openness. The primary target of this particular brand of toxicity: straight-identifying men. No other group gets the brunt end of the dick. Actually. We don’t give them permission to enjoy any end of the dick. And that’s the problem. Too often gay men fetishize fluidity or make it a game. They chomp at the bit for the fantasy of “turning” a straight man. But then, if he continues to identify as straight after the sex act, they’ll blast him for not admitting he’s gay. This topic is discussed daily on /r/askgaybros, one of the largest gay communities on Reddit. It always plays out the same: “If you’re letting guys suck you off, you’re not straight.” “Claiming straightness while fucking a dude raw is deluded and illogical.” They don’t allow straight men to have it both ways. Hell, a guy doesn’t even have to go through with a MSM act. Just the mention of being curious or questioning alone is enough for the hivemind to compartmentalize a man as gay: “Ur gay af lmao. Zero straight dudes want males…” End of story. This whole narrative reeks of double-standards. We ask straight men not to judge us for our sexuality, but then are quick to judge them when their sexuality doesn’t fit into our narrow-minded boxes.
Part of this fluidity denial is about self-preservation. Folks in the gay community (and LGBTQ+ community as a whole) spend so many years of their lives convincing the straight world that sexuality isn’t a choice. That it can’t be changed or “cured.” But then fluidity leaks through and seemingly contradicts this — so we put up our defense mechanisms. (I should note here that just because sexuality is fluid doesn’t mean it’s an intentional choice that can change on the g-spot).
This judgement isn’t just reserved for straight men, but turns inwards on itself within the queer community as well. A popular tactic used to dismiss fluidity is crying internalized homophobia. You’re not really fluid or questioning, it’s just internalized homophobia that’s suppressing your true gay self. Internalized homophobia is a painfully real part of LGBTQ+ lives. But we have to stop using it to brush off legitimate feelings of sexual fluidity. When we do, we use the very psychological structures that have been destructive to our community as a weapon to fight ourselves.
Or look at the disheartening prevalence of bi-erasure and biphobia in the LGBTQ+ community. A Stonewall study on Britons found that 43% of bi people had never attended an LGBTQ+ event compared to 29% of gay/lesbian people, with respondents reporting frequently feeling unwelcome from these spaces because they were bi. One female respondent explains, “I was treated as a pariah for being bisexual; accused of the ability to ‘pass for being straight’ whenever I supposedly liked.” I am shamed to admit when I first came to terms with my own sexuality I, too, went as far as to say my best friend’s bisexuality was fake, reasoning that if I can’t choose to be gay, then he doesn’t get to choose to be both. I’ve come a long way since then, but this fluidphobic mentality still pervades in our community. If these are the things being said about bisexuality, then what chance does pansexuality or any other fluid sexuality stand?
All this to say gay men, having enjoyed the privilege of mainstream society becoming more accepting towards their (homo)sexuality, are hypocritically denying others — especially straight-identifying men — the privilege of proudly splashing in their own (fluid)sexuality. I say privilege because fluidity is a fucking gift. Literally. Why just enjoy a banana when you can take the whole fruit cocktail. But when we hold in our desires for fear of being judged, it deprives us of climaxing to our sexual peak. Fluidity begs to flow and be set free, allowing us to express our sexual identity authentically and uninhibited. Which isn’t just better sex for anyone on the giving or recieving end of sexual fluidity. It’s better sex for everyone looking for that little push to express their own sexual self more freely in whatever capacity — fluid or not — they choose. And when we’re more open in the bedroom, it makes it easier for us all to be our more open, true selves outside the bedroom, too.
So I ask gay men, why are we denying people this privilege? And I issue a wake-up call to check your own privilege, too. In the same way you strived to have the privilege of being able to express your sexuality openly and without judgement, afford others to do the same. Stop making yourself the arbiters of what is sexually valid and what is sexually not. It’s not up to you to decide if a curious or questioning man is gay. And know that when you force questioning men into a sexual binary, you could end up cockblocking them away from the experience altogether. Remember, as one interviewee I spoke to reminded me, “We all go at our own pace.” Indeed, sexuality flows at its own pace. So let it splooge forth at whatever pace it fucking wants.
We should be digging canals, not building dams. To be sure, this is bigger than gay men. It’s a wake-up call to any one of us that enjoys the privilege of letting our sexuality flow freely. Because it’s going to take a hell of a lot more people than gay men to create a society where sexual fluidity is more attaindable no matter your sexuality, gender, age or race. For those of us who identify as sexually fluid, own it. For those of us who have had sexually fluid experiences, have more loud and proud conversations about those experiences. Because the more all of us normalize fluidity, the more courage it gives to those still hiding sides of their sexuality in the shadows. To paraphrase Elsa, “Let it Flooow! Let it Flooow!” So that we may live in a world where fluids gush forth from all sides — backsides, frontsides, undersides and any hole in between.
